Reasons why you may be an alcoholic:

(disclaimer: this is by no means a complete list, just a few that I've noted...)

(these are the obvious ones)
- drinking every night of the week (or close to it). And on the one day you don't drink, you feel shameful for all your drinking but it does not stop you from getting back on the horse the following day
- you drink alone with no qualms
- sometimes your meals are comprised solely of beers and cheerios

(the non-obvious ones)
- none of your bowel movements are solid
- the only constant in your life is thirst
- the owners and operators of the liquor store know you by name
- you walk into Tonic on a Tuesday night at midnight and the bouncer goes, “Were you here earlier tonight?”
- on any given day, your calories consumed in liquid form > calories consumed in solid form. Food calories that are prepared with alcohol get extra points: penne alla vodka, beer battered onion rings, tequila flavored chicken, etc
- you shun daylight, vegetables, and the gym
- the advertisements that come up on the side of your gmail emails include websites for an “Atomic Wedgie Costume” and “The Eye Patch Club” and “Muscle Twitch and Tics”
- your parents want you to get a job in Omaha, NEBRASKA
- personal hygiene comes second to….finishing that beer
- you’re on the mailing list for Alka Seltzer products and coupons
- the contents of your refrigerator consist entirely of Busch beer, pickle relish, redbull and salad dressing
- your purse is filled with happy hour credit card receipts ($0 cash), a change of clothing, dice, cards, Alka Seltzer, the recipe for the Mind Eraser drink, stolen shot glasses and a sample-size bottle of Jack Daniels, “just in case”
- you often wake up on your couch at 4:30am, with the TV blaring, naked
- your friends send you unsolicited emails about the logistics behind acquiring and maintaining a Jager cooler/dispenser in your apartment (where, btw, you already have a 3 foot tall inflatable bottle of Jager as “decoration”)

I’m sure there are more, and I’m sure I will become familiar with them over the coming weeks…..I’ll let you know.